I swear tumblr is my best friend cause i realized that i'm not the only one going through this shit and honestly, it makes me feel a tad better.. I'm beginning to doubt if you're ever gna text me to tell me anything - that you've thought through it and you want us to continue.. or to stop. Anything. Even it means you giving up, because you promised me and i trusted you. Please don't let this last bit of trust be broken.. I still miss you and i still want you here, but really, if you're not willing to.. there is nothing i can do. It'd been hard on me, very very hard. Because i feel the need to be smiling now, i feel the need to be strong again, to want to move on. But it's so difficult. People don't understand you. I don't either. But i trust that these few months mean something to you. They call me silly because i can't even be sure that these few months with you were real, whether you took me seriously. I don't know because i think i'm silly as well. But it's worth the try. You're worth it. That's all i know, and that's all i can tell them. Tell the people around me who love me, the ones who're still there when i was being the annoying bitch last week, crying and insisting that you have to be back.. There was nothing they cld do other than listening, giving me advice, scolding.. whatever it took to wake me up. And it worked. I woke up. It didn't hurt as much one morning. I can't rmb which morning but i finally stop feeling like i need to kill myself to stop all the hurt inside me. It still hurts now, but not as much as the first few days. I really really hope we can start over again, i want to still meet you at night, even if it's for 10mins. Just seeing you makes my day. Have i told you that before? I guess i didn't. But i told everyone i know, that i'm so proud of you. Because even when you knew my curfew was before 12, even when you knew that you cld only meet me for 5mins, the longest 10mins, you still wanted to meet me. It is these little things that made me fall deeper.. I don't know since when i started liking you this much, nobody knew. I guess it slowly builds up inside when you do little things that made me touched, said things that made me feel loved. It makes me feel special, even when i think about them now, i get warm and fuzzy inside. I don't even know how you managed to enter my comfort zone.. I don't just let anyone enter it, but you did. And i think i subconsciously let you in. I thought i cld let my guard down, and then i gave you my heart. Everything. But it was a wrong move, i don't know why you have to make me build up walls again now, just higher and thicker walls.. I really don't know why, was it fun? I still remembered the first few times we actually had some interactions, they were so cute. You were so cute.. How it transited from just purely walking me back home, to coming up to my doorstep, to spending an hr or two at my void deck, to cuddling and watching movies from your iphone, to planting kisses on my forehead and on my cheek, to how i gave you my first ever kiss and how it became part of our goodbyes subsequently.. Didn't all these matter to you??? But i didn't care so much initially. Why did i let myself care so much.. Sigh okay i need to stop typing.. Supposed to be doing my assignments now but i totally can't concentrate AT ALL. Saw this from tumblr, totally feel it..
aschilly:
heartbreak.
heartbreak is one of the most horrible feelings, its when you not only feel shattered on the inside but you physically feel the pain. when you look at a picture of the one you love and your stomach does that instant drop feeling, not the good kind like on a roller coaster, but that free falling feels like your dropping off a building and you just want to close your eyes and wait for it to be over.…
where you just want to feel anything in the entire world other than that pain.
heartbreak is unbearable, they say time will heal it
but there’s a difference between healing and becoming accustomed to the pain,
feeling it multiple times a day for long periods of time your body builds an immunity to the pain in a sense, but there’s always those moments that will cut your soul so deep it feels like that strong bond, that inner connection between you and your “other half”
(that same indescribable bond that made your heart fly and make you feel like one)
is shattered and you feel every piece break, every piece of your heart crumble into a heap of nothing…..that’s when it feels the worst, when its rock bottom, when you feel that connection that held you together through ever impermeable situation is lost.
obliterated…..
when your heartbroken it takes a miracle, and strong will to bring yourself back together, but with anything that gets shattered or broken no matter how well put back together it seems its never quiet the same, and there are visible scars left showing where its weak and mangled, you need to come to terms with the fact that you will never be the same, you were one with someone else, someone else’s soul, their spirit, their inner self. and that was brutally ripped away and apart. and you will never be the same. i cant honestly say that you will ever truly heal from this ordeal, but you can mature enough and grow enough to recognize that you will be changed, you will be different, but it can be for the better. you need to look at your heart as if it were a priceless vase that has been shattered then carefully reconstructed,
you can see the visible lines and individual pieces placed intricately back together,every last line outlining the individual pieces, it looks whole, and from a distance it may look just as good as it was before being tarnished, but for someone who knows its fragile and truly sees how easily it can be broken knows they need to be careful who they let near it, who they let hold it close. who they trust enough to cradle it in their hands.
treat your heart as such, treat it will the utmost care, like that broken vase, recognize the scars, recognize that your heart is precious and fragile. and most importantly be careful who you hand it off to next…
i still have pieces that need to be put back together, i have holes that need to be filled, but i fear they might never be….logically no one would ever think about buying a vase that is clearly broken and scared, missing pieces and roughly placed back together merely being held together by simple glue, but someone somewhere is going to look at mine ans think its beautiful, and be able to fill those spaces, those gaps…
and one day i will be whole. i wont be the same,
but it will be whole again.
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